Today has been one of the better days I have had in a while. The fighting spirit is beginning to come back. I am still sleeping a lot but not as much as before and I managed to clean up parts of my room. (Considering that it looks less like Armageddon and more just like World War II, this is an accomplishment). I supposed this is partially because of increase in Prozac kicked in.
Another part of it is something that I am continually amazed at each time it happens, Somehow, when my back is against a wall something inside me just says "NOOOO!!" and begins to put up a fight. This is what I guess I call a finely honed survival instinct. It has served me so well before through so many traumatic stuff.................through hospitalization, through that week on the streets, through the date-rape and the gang-rapes and through so may other smaller mishaps, disappointments, delays and defeats. I think it is a miracle that it is still there and no, I don't think I am better than anyone else because of it. It surprises me just as much as anyone else when it kicks in.
I told my mother about my surprise and she with her ever-sensible self is like "Why are you surprised? That is the way it is supposed to be." I guess somehow I seem to get the art of surviving. It doesn't mean that I am outta the woods yet. I still have a way to go. I still have along way towards putting practices in my life other than medication that are going to help me to maintain my health but for now it is enough.
Monday, November 17, 2008
HOW DOES IT FEEL.........
Today I am going to give you a taste of my experience of the depressive side of bipolar......This is a note that I wore on my Facebook page a couple of days ago.
I guess it is a fact that people who don't have bipolar disorder really know how it feels like and even I don't always have the vocab to explain what it feels like to be in a mood swing....But I am going to attempt to do it now so that people kinda get what I go through at times and am currently going through. For me, even though as much as I try to control my mood swings through medication and for the most part, I do succeed, there comes a time like now, where for whatever reason, whether it is an excess of stress or just the fact that my body has become used to the dosage of meds or just the plain simple fact that this disorder changes throughout my life, when I begin to have regular mood swings again.
For me(though not for everybody), I tend to go more on the depressive side than on the manic side and then veer back to normal.It is not a nice experience to go through as you can well imagine.For me it manifests itself as exhaustion. I feel tired and lethargic...... don't want to do much. Yes, there are a lot of negative thoughts about myself when the depressive mood swings roll in.I don't like myself much and don't see the dreams I have for myself coming true.it is also very difficult for me to read, process the written word and concentrate. For a voracious reader like me, it is very frustrating and doubly so because I gotta study. I also don't enjoy music as much and if I am really bad not all. Thankfully so far,this time, the enjoyment has lessened but not completely gone.My relationship with God has taken a blow as well because I do have a lot of guilt at time for not being more positive.
I guess the one of hardest thing to deal with in this phase is my reaction to people around me. I need people around me more than ever at this time but I also know how hard it can be sometimes for people to be around someone who is depressed and not happy or worse yet, someone who seems ok one minute and then very needy or very quiet the next.That is why in many cases, if I am going through a downward mood swing , I may conceal it and force myself to appear normal if I don't have to be around the people for too long or just stay quiet.If it gets REALLLY BAD, I go my bed and just lie down and turn my back to the world. This time I have made a concerted effort to reach out to people when I am in my normal mood as opposed to just isolating myself completely.And I get smart, I spread the interaction around. And don't depend on any one person. Someone is always going to be having a bad day and not be willing to deal with me. That is life. I am learning not to internalize this and just move onto other friends.But it is still not quite nice when it does happen.
Still the hardest thing about this illness is that you don't quite know when things are going to go wrong, you can try to control it and try to do everything you can to do( doctor, medication, prayer,etc so but ultimately there is going to come times when it is out of your hands and it affect your energy level and productivity.For me, the driven type, it is frustrating as hell but I gotta learn to live with it .So there is an insight into what goes on. Don't feel though that any good thoughts or reaching out is in vain though. It is very much appreciated.
I guess it is a fact that people who don't have bipolar disorder really know how it feels like and even I don't always have the vocab to explain what it feels like to be in a mood swing....But I am going to attempt to do it now so that people kinda get what I go through at times and am currently going through. For me, even though as much as I try to control my mood swings through medication and for the most part, I do succeed, there comes a time like now, where for whatever reason, whether it is an excess of stress or just the fact that my body has become used to the dosage of meds or just the plain simple fact that this disorder changes throughout my life, when I begin to have regular mood swings again.
For me(though not for everybody), I tend to go more on the depressive side than on the manic side and then veer back to normal.It is not a nice experience to go through as you can well imagine.For me it manifests itself as exhaustion. I feel tired and lethargic...... don't want to do much. Yes, there are a lot of negative thoughts about myself when the depressive mood swings roll in.I don't like myself much and don't see the dreams I have for myself coming true.it is also very difficult for me to read, process the written word and concentrate. For a voracious reader like me, it is very frustrating and doubly so because I gotta study. I also don't enjoy music as much and if I am really bad not all. Thankfully so far,this time, the enjoyment has lessened but not completely gone.My relationship with God has taken a blow as well because I do have a lot of guilt at time for not being more positive.
I guess the one of hardest thing to deal with in this phase is my reaction to people around me. I need people around me more than ever at this time but I also know how hard it can be sometimes for people to be around someone who is depressed and not happy or worse yet, someone who seems ok one minute and then very needy or very quiet the next.That is why in many cases, if I am going through a downward mood swing , I may conceal it and force myself to appear normal if I don't have to be around the people for too long or just stay quiet.If it gets REALLLY BAD, I go my bed and just lie down and turn my back to the world. This time I have made a concerted effort to reach out to people when I am in my normal mood as opposed to just isolating myself completely.And I get smart, I spread the interaction around. And don't depend on any one person. Someone is always going to be having a bad day and not be willing to deal with me. That is life. I am learning not to internalize this and just move onto other friends.But it is still not quite nice when it does happen.
Still the hardest thing about this illness is that you don't quite know when things are going to go wrong, you can try to control it and try to do everything you can to do( doctor, medication, prayer,etc so but ultimately there is going to come times when it is out of your hands and it affect your energy level and productivity.For me, the driven type, it is frustrating as hell but I gotta learn to live with it .So there is an insight into what goes on. Don't feel though that any good thoughts or reaching out is in vain though. It is very much appreciated.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
REALITY SHOWS
OK people. Whether it is America's Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars, The Chef Jeff Project to Life in the Fab Lane and (dare I admit it) Flava of Love, I have yet to meet one person who has not been bitten by the reality show bug.......and judging from the variety of reality shows, it seems like everyone has a favorite. But why do we (or more namely I) like reality shows so much? I think it is, first of all because, everyone likes a human train wreck. Let's face it.........often times reality shows are a study in what human beings can and will do placed in bad or stressful situations. It is like a free psych lab. We also love suspense........ the thrill of finding out who won, who got kicked out and how they reacted.But even worse and I dare to admit it, in a world where information and stress is coming at you constantly, the reality shows sometimes give you what you want when you are tired and don't want to think. A quick cheap thrill.
I only realized this when I began timing reality shows to start watching them about 7 minutes before they are done just to see the train wreck and not the story.This especially happens with reality shows on VH1 and MTV. I don't know if it is because I am just a thrill seeker or maybe it is because the concept of shows on those channels are tending to become repetitive but that is what I am doing. I am beginning to go for reality shows with a bit more of a storyline like The Chef Jeff Project or Ace of Cakes.
So what am I going to do about my addiction to reality shows? Will I improve my low-brow TV viewing habits?I'll tell you later after I watch the episode of Dancing with the Stars that I missed.
I only realized this when I began timing reality shows to start watching them about 7 minutes before they are done just to see the train wreck and not the story.This especially happens with reality shows on VH1 and MTV. I don't know if it is because I am just a thrill seeker or maybe it is because the concept of shows on those channels are tending to become repetitive but that is what I am doing. I am beginning to go for reality shows with a bit more of a storyline like The Chef Jeff Project or Ace of Cakes.
So what am I going to do about my addiction to reality shows? Will I improve my low-brow TV viewing habits?I'll tell you later after I watch the episode of Dancing with the Stars that I missed.
TA- Daaa!!
Here it is folks. It's been a long time coming but today is my official introduction into the world of blogging. I am hopeful that I will be able to take you along on an interesting ride and offer my unique perspective on life to the blogosphere. My hope is just to take you along on my ride as I make my unique journey as a woman, Catholic, daughter, friend, person with an invisible disability, student and every other facet of my life. So sit back and relax and take it in. I promise you that it will be like life with me.......fun, interesting, mundane, hilarious, exasperating, honest, real, raw, in your face but NEVER EVER BORING!!!
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