WHY I HAVEN"T BEEN AROUND.....(or CANCER SUCKS, DEATH SUCKS MORE)

Today I met the Caribbean Catholic for the first time just simply passing through the churchyard. First of all I must say you're pretty fly for a white guy.....LOL!! But on a more serious note, he gently chided me for not writing more on my blog. I have been awful at it but for a reason. February last year was around the time that my Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. By December 2,2010, he was no more. He died peacefully at Vitas House Hospice. (Shout out to Trinidad Cancer Society, they were fab!) My life was turned upside down for those ten months. My dad was in denial for a long time about the sysmptoms and continued to be in denial after he got diagnosed and bascially tried to live life at the same pace until he couldn't anymore. It was hard for my Mom and I to watch but even harder was the feeling of helplessness. One of the hardest lessons I learnt is that you can't save someone if they don't want to save themselves.

It may not be a Catholic thing to say but it's the truth - Cancer is a bitch. Watching your Dad go from a real healthy, intelligent active man (it seemed like he was in every association in Christendom) to seeing him lying on a bed wracked with pain and cancer-related pnuemonia and not in his right mind is something I would wish on no one. My comfort is that he died in beautiful surroundings with caring and competent staff and that my Mom and I spent hours with him the day before he passed. He had a nice funeral which packed out the Cathedral and then we went home.

 So I guess here I am 5 1/2 months later still trying to put the pieces of my life together and journeying with my Mom to do the same. It was always the three of us - Mom, Dad and me. And now it is just the two of us. We do feel the lack of a man in the house just for the man stuff. Because of our situation I think people can perceive us to be vulnerable (yes, we have gotten the requests for money) Each holiday that passes is tough.
But we are getting by. Surviving. Healing. Growing. We have reached the point where there are more good and okay days than bad days.But that doesn't mean we don't feel his loss everyday - as breadwinner, fixer upper, source of cynical humor, source of running commentary of the news of the day, put-the-garbage-outer, bill payer and eater of all food *grin* So I guess that is where we are. Just the two of us